UNAPOLOGETICALLY AND UNABASHEDLY UNASHAMED

Gordon Vernon

June 13, 2016

(The day after the Pulse Nightclub Attack)

Yesterday was a very sad day for me, for many of my friends, for my community, and for the family and friends of those gunned down by a madman in Orlando in cowardly act of Hate.  Yesterday I was numb as reports kept coming in and the death toll rose.  Yesterday, I mourned.  Yesterday left me feeling helpless, scared, and more than a little bit angry. Yesterday left me mute… I had no words.

Today, I am still mourning, feeling numb, and I am definitely angry, but I am far from helpless and scared, and I can no longer remain mute.  For me, yesterday was a day of reflection and contemplation and today is a day for words, speaking out, and coming out.  (As if you didn’t already know.)  Today, my thoughts may be in a jumble, but today, I will express them.  Today is a day to feel unapologetically me.  Unabashedly unashamed!  Proud!

Looking back, it’s funny how everyone else could see that I was gay, and I couldn’t.  I really didn’t know I was gay when I was growing up.  Everyone else did.  What does that say about the nature of things?  What does that say about Humanity and Nature in and of itself?  I knew I was different when I was 3 years old, but I didn’t have a way to articulate that difference.  Deep in my very core, I just knew I was different.  I wouldn't find a way to articulate it until I was in my 20's.  And yet, everyone else was able to identify it and label it for what it was.  Things that you go,”hmmm.”

I am different and today I can articulate that difference. I am gay.  I may have once been made to feel ashamed of that fact, but today, I am unashamed!  I’d like to provide you with some perspective on feeling unashamed, but first, I would need to give you some perspective about feeling ashamed and being made to feel ashamed.  I would also need to talk about struggle, oppression and persecution.

Ever since puberty and all throughout high school, I was picked on, harassed, bullied, punched, laughed at, made fun of, called ugly names, gossiped about, made to feel less than, and made to feel absolutely ashamed for doing absolutely nothing at all… for just existing in my own skin.  (Oh… and perhaps for being the fat kid, but that’s a different post for a different time.)

All of the aforementioned oppressions and persecutions were perpetrated by several classmates and peers because they merely “thought” I was gay.  The mere  perception that I might be gay was enough for them to torment me.  They thought I was gay years before I would admit to myself that I was gay, years before I could even articulate it in a way that it made sense to me, and certainly years and years before I ever acted on it.  Being made to feel ashamed of myself for being who I was, who I am, naturally, without ill intent, without choice. Ouch! That hurts!

What I have come to realize, and what I know for certain, is that I was born this way and there’s nothing I could have done about it then and nothing that I can do about it now.  It was never a choice.  So, it seems that the perceptions of my old classmates and peers truly were reality.  It doesn’t make the bullying and the ridicule okay, but it does validate the nature of Humanity and of Nature itself.

I suppose I should consider myself quite lucky.  Yes, I was bullied, tormented, and ridiculed, but truth be told, I got off easy.  There are countless cases of grown men and women who have been beaten senseless and killed just for being gay.  There are countless cases of young boys and girls who have committed suicide because of being bullied about their sexual identity.  Countless stories of parents abusing and disowning their gay teenaged children and putting them out on the street to fend for themselves.  

Yesterday, 49 people were murdered in cold blood and countless others scarred for life because they were in a gay club.  What I have been through pales in comparison.

Several years after high school, when I finally admitted (what everyone had been saying all along could be true) that I was gay.  I was 23 years old and still I struggled to come to terms with it.  I tried to hide it and fight it because of my family, my faith, and societal pressures to be straight. 

Although, getting married to a woman and starting a family was what was expected of me, it would have been a total farce and unfair to everyone involved.  The thing is, you just can’t be at odds with who you are forever.  So, at some point you either give up or embrace it.  Since giving up wasn’t an option, I embraced it.  I was 27 years old.  It only happened after years of struggle, doubt, torture, shame, and moving far, far away from my home, family, and friends.  It took all of that to find my people, to feel a sense of belonging, and to instill some sense of pride in myself.

The day that the supreme court announced the decision about Gay Marriage, was a turning point in the history of this country.  Yesterday, was a small step backwards, but it will only make our resolve stronger.  

What I remember the most about last year’s supreme court decision, was that Facebook and other social media was lit up with rainbows and gayness all over the place.  Personally, I loved it!  I also loved it when many of my straight, but not narrow friends also put rainbows on their profile pictures.  It was a nice show of support.  I felt the solidarity and I felt validated in a way I hadn’t felt before.

Conversely, I’m sure that many straight and narrow folks, along with the overly devout, disagreed with the decision, and for whatever reason, felt it was way too much and all the gayness was being shoved in their faces.  So I even get why instituting “Straight Pride” could be a way to combat the rainbows and gayness that overtook Facebook then, and continue to do so from time to time.  

What you need to know is our Facebook posts and rainbows weren’t a movement to oppress, persecute, or belittle you, as many of you would believe.  Last year, our rainbows were posted in celebration of a victory and out of a sense of pride because we, ourselves, have been oppressed, persecuted and belittled.  Today, our rainbows are posted in mourning for our community, to show our solidarity, sadness, anger, perseverance, and as a reminder that we are a part of your family, your community, your country, and your world.  We are not going to go away and we will not be silenced.

What you may not realize is that after all the gay folks who posted rainbows logged off of our Facebook accounts, looked up from our phones, or left our homes, we still must navigate our way through the Straight Pride parade that marches on around us on every corner, in every city, in every nation, everyday.  We must remain vigilant for there are those among you who would bully us, harm us, beat us, and kill us. 

I am an American.  I live in the Land of the Free to be who I wanna be and the Home of the Brave enough to stand up and say it.  Am I less of an American than other Americans?  Was I not born here as they were?  Do I not bleed red, white, and blue enough?  As an American, I just want to be treated equally and fairly.  I want to be treated as one of the We the People of the United States of America, and not as a second class citizen.  I want less Hate, less violence, and more general Welfare and the Blessings of Liberty.  

The religious right in this country has introduced at least 200 anti-gay laws in the past 6 months alone.  If you are in support of any of those laws, as an American, you certainly have that right.  You have the right to practice any religion you want.  You are entitled to your opinions and/or strongly held beliefs.  I will never contest that right.  That would be un-American.  But if your religion teaches you to hate, you need a new religion! 

As an American, I could care less if your church, or any church, recognizes my rights as a United States citizen or not.  My civil rights and your religion are mutually exclusive and no one’s religious beliefs should dictate another’s rights as defined by the law of the land, nor should they be able to infringe upon my constitutional rights, my Liberty and my Pursuit of Happiness.

The good thing about my life today is that I am never punched and never bullied in the same sense as I was in school.  I mean, who’s gonna fuck with a 6’6”, 300 pound gay man with a walking stick?  However, it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the oppression and persecution of being gay anymore, I still get talked about, harassed, laughed at, made fun of, called ugly names, looked down upon, ridiculed, discriminated against, victimized, hated, despised, and loathed just for being me.  I am still one of “them”, never an “us”.  

The thing is, I can no longer be made to feel ashamed about it any more.  I’m proud of the person I have become.  I am unashamed!  I am generally a very good person.  I have faults, but who doesn’t?  I strive to be good and do good.  My job allows me to serve and assist others, I donate of my time and resources to those in need and to organizations that serve those in need. I try my best not to judge others, and I genuinely try to do the right thing by my friends, neighbors, and strangers on the street.

I am proud to have survived relatively unscathed and proud that I am able to lead a life worth living.  I have been true to myself and I think my life is lovely.  I live on a tropical island in the Caribbean. I have traveled extensively.  I have an exciting and rewarding career.  I have great friends (both straight and gay), I have an adopted family of choice and someone whom I love that loves me in return.  Best of all, I’m okay in my own skin.  I’m here, and I’m queer! Get over it!  I am unapologetically and unabashedly unashamed!