I began writing this blog because I was heartbroken.  My heart still hurts. I have lost a very dear friend and I am mourning her passing.  Oh… She’s not dead… She’s alive and well… yet she has most certainly passed on from my life and I grieve her absence.  Ignorance, intolerance, and her refusal to entertain or even listen to a perspective different than her own has made it so.  I did not write this to her nor did I write this for her.  The dead cannot read.  

This post is written to the living.  It is written for those whose passing would be equally painful if, like her, they were unwilling to entertain or even listen to a different perspective.  And, just so we’re clear, you don’t have to agree with me.  We can always agree to disagree, but if you aren’t willing to listen and entertain ideas different than your own or, at the very least, respect that others don’t believe as you do, I will grieve for you too.

"Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance."

— Confucius

Recently, I spent several hours on the phone with an very old and very dear friend from high school.  We were very close back in the day.  We were more like siblings who also happened to be best friends.  Let’s call her, “Sister/Friend”.  Sister/Friend and I were both part of what we lovingly called the “Get Fresh Crew”.  We were a very diverse and eclectic group of Black, White, and Indigenous young men and women around 17 or 18 years of age.  Although no one was out at that time, 3 of the 10 of us would eventually come out as gay or lesbian.  We each brought our differences to a table where those differences were not just tolerated, but accepted, understood, respected, and celebrated.

The “Get Fresh Crew” stayed together through thick and thin for several years after graduation.  Looking back, it always surprises me how much fun, and trouble, we were able to get into in and around our little country town of Citronelle, Alabama.  Later, when most of us moved to the big city… Mobile, Alabama, we brought the fun and trouble with us.  I am still in contact with everyone in the group to some degree or another.   But, something happened to Sister/Friend 37 years ago, roughly a year or two after high school, that she felt destroyed her life.  It was then that she made the decision to walk away from the entire crew and disappeared.  That decision would change our relationship forever.

It would be 18 years before I heard from Sister/Friend again.  I had moved to Washington D.C. and she had somehow found my phone number and called me out of the blue one day.  I remember coming out to her on the phone that day and I learned more of what had occurred between her and some of the “Get Fresh Crew” all those years ago.  She accused members of the “Crew” of betraying her.  She also accused me of abandoning her.  The accusation cut like a knife. 

I don’t believe I was culpable then and I don’t believe it now.  While I can understand how she might think I was guilty by association, she chose to walk away, not me.  Had she asked any of the “Crew” for help, any number of us would have done anything in our power to see that she had what she needed to survive whatever she was going through.  Hell, my own parents would have taken her in for that matter.  Everyone of us loved her dearly.  In the end, we’re all responsible for our own choices.  She chose to walk away.

She and I spoke sporadically after that.  It was something I didn’t always look forward to because the accusations continued and eventually we lost touch not long before I moved to Puerto Rico.  That was 8 years ago and I hadn’t heard from her since.  Imagine my surprised to see an email from her in my inbox about a month ago.  I was very hesitant to read it for fear of more accusations.  But, it was far from an accusation, it was a great big hug!  She wrote:

“I have been thinking about you lately. I hope all is well with you. I do not know why I need to tell you this, but here goes... The difference between you and them, the “Get Fresh Crew”, is that I loved you like a brother. I wanted you to know that. I am so grateful for the times we had together.”

Relieved by the content, and surprised but overjoyed by the sentiment, I replied and we arranged to speak by phone just a few days before Christmas.  She apologized for accusing me of abandoning her and admitted that the accusation was baseless.  Exonerated, I breathed a sigh of relief and, just like the good old days, we fell into easy conversation.  We spoke for about an hour or so and ended the call with promises to speak to each other again after the new year.  I was really looking forward to it.  I really wanted to pick up where we left off.  

Last week, we caught up with each other again, as promised.  Again it was just like the good old days.  So much so that  before we knew it, we’d been on the call for 2 and a half hours ..  As far as I was concerned, we could have kept talking all night.  

It was then that Hector, the beautiful and very sweet man I love and feel loved by in return, stopped by. I introduced him to her, jokingly, as “my future ex-husband” and I introduced her to him as an old and very dear friend from high school.  I had already mentioned him to Sister/Friend and shared some photos and videos of us from a post on New Years Eve via text, so she knew of Hector’s existence prior to his appearance at my house that night.  

After the introductions, Hector said he had to get going and we kissed goodbye.  Having overheard us, Sister/Friend suddenly says “Gordon, that was too much information.  I didn’t need to know you were kissing him.”  Hector gave me a “What’s her problem?” look.  I thought perhaps she was kidding, so I gestured to Hector to give me another kiss.  We defiantly and loudly kissed again.  We said “I love you” and “goodbye” and Hector left.    

Let me be very clear, this wasn’t necking, making out, or some sloppy and messy face sucking.  I find it distasteful and uncomfortable when anyone, gay or straight, does that in public and I will be among the first to tell them to, “Get a room!”.  I’m talking about a garden-variety goodbye kiss like your parents give each other.  Regardless, we weren’t on a video call.  Sister/Friend couldn’t see the kiss through the phone, but if just knowing that we kissed was enough to seemingly upset her, I can’t imagine what she might have done if she were actually in the room with us and seen it happening in real time, because moments later, Sister/Friend went into attack mode.

She started in on Hector first, ”You know, he’s taking advantage of you… Your relationship is not going to last!  He’s too young for you…  You’re too old for him!”  Then it quickly escalated to, “and why is it that’s all you can talk about … being gay?  Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay!  Don't you have anything else to talk about?"  As if her straight life didn’t emanate from around her at every other turn of phrase.  

She's known for years that I was gay, so I know it was no surprise to her, but to intimate that being gay was all I could talk about was surely exaggeration on her part…  Right?  So I took a moment to reflect on the conversations we’d had over the past 2.5 hours.  Did I say the word “gay”?  Yes, I am sure I did… Regardless, when a gay friend feels comfortable enough to talk to you about their private life, it’s a privilege and should be seen as such.  It’s a sign of trust and true friendship.  I felt more than comfortable with her and I honestly thought it wouldn’t matter.  But more about this later…

“Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”

— Martin Luther King, Jr.

What happened next still has me reeling.  Sister/Friend began to cite the most outrageous misinformation about the gay community.  She started with “What if everyone chose to be gay, how would the human race procreate?”  As if we had a choice… Then it quickly went on to the “gay agenda” and recruiting and other absurd ideas and theories that have been debunked.  The conversation quickly devolved into a shouting match.  At first, I got caught up in it, but then I thought, to what purpose?  I stopped shouting and instead calmly tried to reason with her using logic, common sense, research, and facts.  Sister/Friend wasn’t having it and she just kept talking, only louder.  

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.”

— Albert Einstein

Every time I tried to interject, her volume would increase to drown me out. She just kept getting louder and louder.  She began spewing pure hate and vitriol at me.  If it weren't so heartbreaking, I would have found it a fascinating study of human behavior. Faced with facts and common sense that went against what she believed, she just kept talking so that she wouldn't have to listen.  She might as well have put her fingers in her ears and said “La-La-La-La” on repeat. Because, like a spoiled child who wasn't getting her way, she was having a hissy fit.

“Intolerance is itself a form of violence and an obstacle to the growth of a true democratic spirit.  

Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding.”

— Mahatma Gandhi

Unable to listen to her diatribe any longer, I told her I was leaving the room to go to the kitchen. She didn't hear me. I didn't care. I needed to escape the totally inane theories and condemnation.  As I poured bourbon over ice, I could still hear her voice from the speaker phone in my office.  She was on a roll about something.  I couldn't make out a word of what she was saying.  I could, however, hear the unpleasant tone and harsh disapproval.  I thought, perhaps she will run out of steam by the time I return.

I belted down the very expensive bourbon I should have been sipping on, poured myself another one, steeled my nerves, and went back to the office a little over 3 minutes later.  She was still ranting and raving.  She had been talking non-stop and hadn’t even realized I had left the room.  Who does that?  I sat down and debated whether I should attempt to engage with her further while I listened to her ramble on for another 2 minutes or so.  

Finally, I admitted defeat.  I knew she would never come up for air, and if she did, she wouldn’t be willing to genuinely listen to and/or hear an opposing viewpoint. More than anything else, it was out of an instinctual need for self preservation that I reached out and pressed the button to end the call.

She called back immediately.  I just let it ring and go to voice mail.  Later, I saw that she had left a 4 minute voice mail message.  Then, apparently, she blocked me, because when I texted her again later with a link to information that debunked the lies and misinformation she was regurgitating, it never said “delivered” or “read” as it had before.  So, I emailed her the information.  I received an email reply from her the following day that simply read, “Thank You.”  Did she read any of the information I sent to her?  I don’t know.

I didn’t listen to her 4-minute voice mail until the following day.  This is what she had to say, “Who would have ever thought you would walk out of the room on me? Who would have ever thought you would hang up on me?   I have many gay friends and we debate these questions all the time. You tried to impose your gayness on me. Homosexuality is not a topic for polite conversation. It’s not appropriate to talk about being gay. I would hope in going forward, you would not make such an imposition on your future friends, because you’re not being fair to them. I don’t think you know what friendship is because you kept talking about being gay and it’s nothing to me. Are you insecure about being gay? I don’t understand why you kept talking about being gay.  Who does that?  You have no other subject to talk about?  It doesn’t mean anything to me.  I think you are unsure of yourself, otherwise, why would you feel the need to keep talking about being gay?  You keep saying you’re not accepted because you are gay, but really, it’s you who is not accepting of who other people are.  I’m a heterosexual and I have no reason to throw it in your face.  I am confident in who I am and I don’t have to impose it on anyone.  Do you really know who you are?  You are very insecure in being gay, and that’s why you feel the need to talk about it.  If you felt secure in who you are, you wouldn’t have to impose it on anyone.” The next sentence began but it cut off after the first 2 words.  If it hadn’t cut her off, I believe she would still be leaving me a voice mail message.  

Intolerance is evidence of impotence.

— Aleister Crowley

I cannot imagine what Sister/Friend must be going through right now that she felt that she had to tear me down.  Ultimately, she succeeded in completely destroying a friendship that has lasted on and off for over 40 years.  Albeit, we haven’t been very close all of that time, there was always a bond between us, and I really was hoping for reconciliation.  Honestly, I don’t know what to say. I guess, most of all, I feel sorry for her.  She must be very lonely.  I don’t believe that any of the “Get Fresh Crew” speak with her anymore.  She’s burned too many bridges.  I have already forgiven her.  Forgiveness is easy, but I won’t soon forget as I sit here with a broken heart and mourning her passing.

I began writing this post because of the intolerance, arrogance, and self-righteous attitude exhibited by my Sister/Friend and, when I stopped to think about it, I know I have other straight family and friends who claim to be my friend and/or claim to have other gay friends.  I challenge you to rethink what it is you expect from your gay friends, myself included, or perhaps it is your passing that I shall mourn as well.