On the 7th Anniversary of the Pulse Massacre in Orlando, FL

I have many straight friends who are staunch allies. You know who you are. If I haven’t told you lately, thank you for being my friend, ally, supporter, and defender. Thank you for your trust, recognition, understanding, and your respect. Thank you for standing alongside me and fighting the good fight and, perhaps most importantly, showing up to celebrate the victories. Thank you for providing a safe, judgment-free environment and for encouraging me to be myself. The symbol in the photo of this blog entry represents the kind of straight pride that should be celebrated. While it’s not an official symbol, as it's just something I created for the purpose of this blog, It represents my straight friends and allies. You are loved! Not just by me, but by many, and have no doubt, we feel the love in return! Thank you!

“There comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, 

nor politic, nor popular, but he must take it because conscience tells him it is right.”

— Martin Luther King, Jr.

f you are someone who asks, “Why don’t we have a Straight Pride Parade?”, or believes in the need for one, I’d like for you to look at a map of the countries of the world that propose or enact laws that make heterosexuality criminal. Once you’ve found that map doesn’t exist, please compare it to a map of the United States and the world that shows where laws are proposed and/or enacted that criminalize or otherwise limit the rights of the LGBTQIA+ community. Even in countries with existing laws that recognize same-sex marriage or civil unions, there are proposed laws to limit our rights. For example, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) is currently tracking 491 anti-LGBTQ bills in the United States alone. ACLU In addition, according to Human Rights Watch, (HRW) at least 67 countries have national laws criminalizing same-sex relations between consenting adults. HRW HRW

If you’re someone who merely tolerates gay people — meaning, you don’t fully understand or support their way of life but have a few gay friends who don’t bother you too much, and you’ve learned to coexist with them as long as they don’t exhibit too much of their gayness or mention their spouses, partners, plans, hopes, and dreams — I commend you for your tolerance, but I urge you to take it a step further toward genuine acceptance. Because, you see, your gay friends lead gay lives and you never stop to think that your straight life emanates from you at all times. What if you were expected to turn off your straight life because it made others feel uncomfortable?

Just after the Pulse Massacre on June 12, 2016, exactly 5 years ago today, I wrote a post on Facebook that I’ll take an excerpt from now. “As a straight person you probably don't realize it, but there’s a Straight Pride parade on every corner, of every city, in every nation, everyday.  With the very rare exception, there’s a Straight Pride parade in every movie, on every tv show, and in every newspaper and magazine.  There’s a Straight Pride parade at the bank, the school, the grocery store, the mall, the hospital, and the post office.  There’s a Straight Pride parade in every church, temple, mosque, and synagogue.  There’s a Straight Pride parade from the moment I leave my home until the moment I return.” Yet I am not allowed to show affection to my loved one in my own home?  I can’t share what’s going on in my life with you because it might be perceived as gay? 

 Since the day I was born, straight people have been trying to recruit me into their way of life.  Yes, from birth, there is an expectation from family, friends, church, school, and society at large that every child is born straight.  As children, we all learn that we are expected to grow up, get married to a person of the opposite sex, and have children.  It’s just how it’s done.  It’s how we are indoctrinated.  There are no exceptions to this rule.

Every little onesie that reads “Lady’s Man” is the explicit and written expectation of the parents that their infant son is straight.  Every baby doll and easy bake oven is the expectation of the parents that their daughter will be wife, mother, and homemaker.  Every time a straight couple holds hands or kisses each other goodbye, it’s in your face.   Every time  talk about your husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, there it is again.  

As a child, how many times did you hear “One day you’ll have a wife/husband and kids…” or “When you get married …” As a young adult, how many times have you been asked “When are you getting married?” There is a constant bombardment of straight propaganda  

My little buddy, Leslie Allen Jordan helped to give me the ability to forgive my parents their own expectations when he said, "Time has taught me that parents do the best they can with the light they are seeing with. That is what we all do."  It’s true… and my parents handled me being gay the best they knew how… They never talked about it. They knew I was different. They knew I was gay before I did.  For all their teachings on how to tolerate, accept, acknowledge, understand, and celebrate the differences in the world around me, they couldn’t talk about my difference.  Even after I came out to them, we never talked about it unless I brought it up.  Regardless, I know they loved me.

Although it was rarely acknowledged, I know there was tolerance toward gay people and even acceptance. This was shown by their actions and occasionally their words to others, and while it was never discussed with me, it was certainly implied.  Sadly, they would never learn to truly understand or be able to celebrate my life with me before they passed.  Had they lived long enough, I believe they would have, eventually.  To be honest, with a father who was a Southern Baptist Preacher from Alabama and a mother who was as prudish, I mean British, as my mother was, they were both quite progressive in their own way and I couldn’t have chosen better role models.

You know, I’ve always wondered, how my parents knew I was gay before I did.  Most parents do, you know.  For that matter, most of my classmates at school knew I was gay long before I knew. If being gay is not a naturally occurring part of the human condition, how is it that so many people can intuit that a child is gay before the child does?  How is it they knew just who to bully and why? Why are others allowed to persecute the child for something they not only have absolutely no control over, don’t recognize in themselves, and couldn’t explain even it if they did and wanted to?  If it’s not natural, why would anyone, much less a child, choose to be bullied and picked on for being different?  If it were a choice, why wouldn’t I have just chosen to be like everyone else and save myself the heartache? 

Let’s return to the larger question here which is why is it assumed that all children are heterosexual until proven otherwise?  From the time they are born, it is assumed all children are straight. Parents tell the child, and the world, they are straight through their actions and spoken and unspoken expectations for the child.

Children are taught from a very early age that being straight is normal.  Boys like girls and girls like boys.  It’s reflected everywhere you look.  Parents unwittingly will it into being. While it may seem harmless, a little boy and girl are very good friends are bound to be called boyfriend and girlfriend at some point by their parents.  In fact, their parents will very likely joke about their eventual wedding at some point.  The thought that a child is, by default, a heterosexual is a given… and yet… some children aren’t.

The assumption that one must be an adult and choose to be gay, but being straight is encoded at infancy is a fallacy.  That was not my experience nor the experience of many of my gay friends.  We knew we were different at a very young age.  We didn’t know why or how we were different and it would be years before we could articulate that difference.  

From a very early age, children understand a lot more than they are given credit for.  They know what’s considered normal and acceptable by those around them.  Conversely, they know what’s not normal and acceptable.  Why is it that a child is never assumed to be asexual until they come out as straight or gay?  Because no child ever gets that choice.  It’s innocent until proven guilty … Straight until proven gay.

Isn’t that ridiculous though?  If you are straight, you’ve never felt embarrassed and out of place because you felt different.  You’ve never felt that your sexual and romantic desires seemed so different from your friends.  But there’s a reason why LGBTQ youth suicide rates are so much higher than their straight peers.  Discovering that you are so different from what is expected and considered normal can crush you.  Don’t even get me started on the bullying, harassment, and mistreatment they experience at the hands of their straight peers. The expectation of heterosexuality is overwhelming and oppressive!  

You can’t imagine what it must have been like for me as a child, knowing I was different, unable to articulate how I was different, yet different nonetheless.  This was made even worse at church, where hellfire and brimstone could get you and you  could burn for all eternity.  

To be continued… 

Next week’s blog: Burn Baby Burn